Gary Chapman-pastor and the family consultant offers curious classification of behavioural models on which we build up our relationship with the partner.
Sometimes it seems that the couple’s life is based on continuous misunderstandings, and communication between men and women resembles a dialogue of the deaf. Why is it so difficult for two loving people to find mutual understanding? Gary Chapman, author of “The 5 Love Languages : The Secret to Love that Lasts“, believes that the determining factor is that we speak different love languages with our loved ones.
He identifies five ways in which people express their love — 5 Love Languages. The language we speak depends on a number of factors: upbringing, the model of the parent family, and character traits. We tend to” inherit ” the love language, getting used to speak it and waiting in response to the same clear love formulas. And what if the partner follows a completely different love code? If we want him to feel our love, we’ll have to tell him about it in a language he understands.
Love language # 1: Words
Simple, sincere words of support and praise are what many of us lack. The people are not enough praised in childhood, are in dire need of having their partner not just appreciated and respected them, but openly talking about it. In addition, we all question our ability to succeed from time to time. Words of support from a loved one can inspire and give confidence, push to start doing what we want, but for this we do not have the courage.
Tip:If this language is foreign for you and you are not eloquent, but it seems to you that your partner speaks it, pay close attention to what people around you say. You hear how your friend complimented his girlfriend-remember, someone appreciated your merits and praised — listen to what words he used for this, the characters of the film admit to each other in love-this can be the basis of your love dictionary.
Language of love # 2: Time
Spend time with someone means give them all your attention. Time is our most valuable resource, and when we give it to another person, we give a piece of ourselves. Being together and being around are two different things. Together look at each other, talk, hear, feel….
What is the fundamental difference from the first language of love? In the language of words it is important to tell your partner how important he (she) is for you, in the language of time it is important to be close to listen and understand each other. Sometimes when your darling shares their frustrations,you rush to give advice or solve a problem. This is especially true for men who think specifically. But this is not what a woman is waiting for, if her language of love is time. At that moment is important for her to be listened to and understood, and the only way she will feel important and meaningful, to feel that you love her and believe in her. And then she easy to solve her problems.
Tip: When you spend time together, look your partner in the eye, it will allow you to be closer and give the feeling that you are really ready to hear and understand each other. Do not be distracted by your business and phone calls, put them off for a while. Learn to listen carefully, not interrupt. Watch your partner, his (her) facial expressions, intonations, gestures, it will allow you to better understand each other.
Love language # 3: Gifts
If love means to give, then gifts are the best fit for this definition. A gift is love that you can touch. Perhaps this language is one of the easiest, and it is not so difficult to learn it. You can bought a gift or “DIY”, main at this moment , think about someone you love.
Tip: The gift shall correspond to your financial level, but no more than that. If you don’t know what to present to the darling, you can take advice of his friends or relatives who exactly know what she (he) wishes.
Love language # 4: Help
Help means to make something for another, to express your care in action. The wife cooks dinner, cleans the house, the husband buys food and helps to cope with the car of his wife when there are problems. This is an exchange of love and care for each other, because help takes time and effort.
Tip: if you feel that your partner is constantly angry, criticizes you – try to ask him a specific list of things he would like to get from you. As a rule, these items are quite simple: do not throw socks, sometimes wash dishes and do not forget to kiss when he (she) goes to work or University. Within 3 months, try to perform these items and believe, the results will he results will be fine.
Even if language of the help isn’t your love language, from time to time fatigue from work and daily affairs is probably familiar also to you. If your partner speaks this language and you managed to master him too, then at those moments when you feel broken and exhausted, you will unexpectedly find out that near you there is the most sensitive assistant who with gratitude will repay to you in kind, having undertaken a part of your obligations.
Love language # 5: Touches
Through touch you can express many shades of your feelings: from tenderness, care, affection to passionate desire — and for some it is the only way to feel love. Tactile receptors located throughout the body that gives this language a lot of nuances and possibilities: any gentle touch can say about love, while even a slight roughness or carelessness may be construed as a deep insult. People who speak this language, it is very important to hold the partner’s hand, to feel the embrace, they are trembling with kisses, attach special importance to sex and begin to doubt whether they are loved, if not receive them. This does not mean that if you are attracted to the intimate side of the relationship, then your language of love — touch. This language of love is much wider and richer.
Tip: Our soul lives in our body. Touching the partner’s body, you touch also his soul. There are no two identical people, and what causes pleasant feelings at you, can not be pleasant to your partner. Listen to him (her), investigate his (her) body, you treat him (her) with tenderness and respect, and then it can become fascinating travel for both of you. Be not limited only sex and a prelude. Fleeting touches during the day play an important role if your partner speaks language of touches. Put a hand on his (her) shoulder when you bring a cup of coffee, embrace for a waist, passing by, kiss when you get into the car — and then he (she) surely to feel loved.
How to Understand Own Love Language ?
Some people just need to read this article to understand what is more important for them – time or touches. But often it is not so easy to recognize even your own love language. There are a few guidelines to help you understand yourself better:
- If the suggested list has not given you a specific answer, try to abstract from it for a while. Remember that usually causes you pain in relationships with loved ones? If criticizing a partner is extremely painful for you, perhaps your love language is words. If you fall into despair when your partner comes from work and does not hug you, and even sweetly falls asleep face to the wall – your love language is touches. If you are saddened by the lack of flowers and gifts, it is likely that your love language is gifts.
- Another way to understand your love language is to remember – how YOU usually express your love for your partner. What do you do for this, and what exactly do you say? This is probably what you expect in return.
How to Understand Love Language Your Partner ?
You can understand the love language your partner using the methods described above or You can ask your loved one direct questions-What he (she) expects and wants from relationship and from you. There is another tricky technique that you can use to better understand the partner: listen to his statements. Criticism is one of the ways of love, though not the most successful. Listen, for what your partner often criticizes you.
Criticism is actually a very valuable source of information. Try not to get angry or lose your temper, and to be more attentive and patiently to listen to the partner. At that moment, he hands you the key to his (her) heart.
If you think that your partner should change something in his (her) behavior, take this Love Languages Test together and then discuss the results. Good luck!